For some background information, I suffer from chronic Depression, and some anxiety comes along with it.
I am constantly cruel to myself.
To this day, I say to myself many times in each hour “you are a failure.”
The shame of my past haunts me, and I can’t escape from it no matter how hard I try to run.
My thoughts are trapped in a never ending cycle of “I hate myself”, and my brain nitpicks on every little thing I do, singling out all the mistakes, pointing out all the ways I could’ve done better.
Is your mind like mine?
Friend, I want to comfort you today. You are not alone.
Many of God’s beloved children suffer from a constant feeling of inadequacy.
By nature, we have a performance based mindset.
We think, if we perform well, God will love us.
But that’s not true. That’s not how God operates.
He operates on a grace mindset.
If we succeed, He loves us.
If we fail, He loves us still. Blesses us still.
In Jesus, there will always be blessing, not cursing.
By His stripes, He purchased every blessing for us, every tear wiped away.
But back to what I was saying, have you ever felt so worthless, and because of it, you were spurred to change your life?
You started to wake up at early morning.
You spend all your spare time studying the bible.
You set a timer to make sure you pray for at least an hour.
You go out and try to make sure you give at least a dollar to every beggar you come across.
You try to help everyone who asks you for help, and you find it very hard to turn a person looking for help away.
You’ve done all this, and now, as you sit on your bed with your phone in your hand, a tear breaks free, and you hear a whisper in your heart.
“It’s not enough.”
Have you ever done so much that you felt like you were breaking your back, and still felt like you were worthless?
You look back at everything you’ve done, and you tell yourself that it was insufficient, that God is still displeased with you?
I know that pain all too well.
Today, I want to give you some peace that might help banish some of those dark thoughts, even for just one moment.
Have you considered that maybe you don’t feel like all your efforts matter because they no longer feel like a sacrifice?
Back then, when you gave up your gaming time to spend some time in the Word, you actually hated it.
You wanted to go back to gaming instead, and as you read your bible, you were puffed up knowing that you sacrificed for Jesus.
Jesus was looking at your sacrifice from Heaven, and smiling at you, very impressed.
And for a while, you read the Bible very often, but it eventually fell off.
Fast forward many years, you still read the Bible, but suddenly it feels like that is not the worship you were hoping for it to be.
Because this time is different – it no longer feels like a sacrifice.
You’re there reading your bible because you want to be.
You’re worshipping God because you honestly want to.
And when that worship didn’t take a piece out of you like it used to, you begin to feel like you’ve fallen short in some way.
Take heart, my friend.
God has brought you so far, to where you are now.
He knows we are dust, and He has everlasting compassion on us.
Take some time for yourself, and give yourself the grace Jesus gives. Have mercy on yourself like He had mercy on you. Forgive yourself.
God is pleased with you.
Leave a Reply