I know You said a while ago that you don’t measure faithfulness by volume. You pointed me to the story of the poor woman who gave two coins to the temple, and how You said that she gave more than the rich people because she gave out of her poverty. That gave me some peace, because I knew that you wouldn’t despise my small offerings. Because small offerings are all I can give you.
And in the last few weeks, You revealed Your will clearly to me. You gave me my calling, and commanded me to be a teacher of wisdom through blogging. I was dismayed when I heard that call, because I knew my lack of intelligence was my greatest flaw. But I decided to obey, and I haven’t been seeing the fruit of my ministry. I know it just started, but I feel discouraged already.
I know I should have more faith, and I remind myself that you won’t measure my faithfulness by volume, but a question has been gnawing at my mind lately.
If I can only give You two coins, but those two coins don’t help another person, would You still love me?
All my life, Dad, I’ve been chasing the love of my earthly father. He has shown no mercy to me, berating me for not working even though it’s because I suffer from an incurable illness. He doesn’t even know I’m sick no matter how many times I’ve told him. He does not bother to remember. But I have internalised his voice, and condemned myself for being sick. He complains that the expenses I incur on the house are too much, and one of the main reasons why I strive for an income is so that I can silence his voice. Lord, You told me some time ago that you would give me hope and a future. I have hope, but where is my future? I feel so desperate for it, all so that I can hear him say that I’m not worthless.
Why do I crave the love of someone who has repeatedly burned the bridge?
Why do I know that even if I achieve what he wants, he still won’t give me the love I desire?
If two coins are all I can give, will it still please You if those two coins don’t feed another person?
I don’t want to fight for a love I can’t have. I know I have Your love, but why do I always have the same fear that I might find out one day that there is something I have done that disqualifies me from it? Is there anything in me that you can’t stand? Which part of me disqualifies me from Your love?
Lord, my greatest fear is no longer Hell. It used to be, but no more.
My greatest fear now is to stand before You on that Day, and see all my work burned up.
To hear from you that I wasn’t faithful, that my efforts failed to help Your people.
I fear failing to hear from You: Well done, good and faithful servant.
I could care less about the rewards, Dad. I don’t care about what rewards I will have. What I truly want is to achieve Your pleasure. I crave Your approval, Your validation. Your praise.
What will it avail me to gain the world, if I don’t have Your praise?
I’m exhausted, and my mental illness has been acting up these past two days. Yet I know that my suffering is sent by You, and You have a purpose for it. To drive me to You, and make me depend on You. I trust You, that You will answer my fears, and set my heart at peace again. Please, Dad, tell me You will love me despite my failures.
If my two coins don’t fill anyone’s pockets, will You still be pleased with my work?
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